Going for Gold or Going

If I could confess everything that I have seen and done it would only be good for art and porn.

So I sit within myself a bubbling furnace of passion that seeps from cracks, cracks that originally were sealed with gold because cracks were actually the the gift of life and needed to be preserved with the utmost respect. It can be a burden and gift from a source I have no idea of its whereabouts, but a feeling.

So I write and write on this proposal, my blood sweat and tears, everything else aside, and I mean everything... at least these are my thoughts and adverbs. Fuck me if I'm wrong, and if I am, I am even more fucked.... but fuck it, lets go for gold.

Calling on hands to lean on

Its hard to describe what it feels like to live with my fear in my head, not fear of success or anything like that, rather, fear of not having the strength to feel faith that everything I don't know and screw up on, is actually to my benefit and makes my art more interesting.

I actually get sick to my stomach with fear, doubt and insecurity before every shoot. Call it stage-fright perhaps.

Fear of faith.... and as a saying goes 'feel the fear and do it anyway' http://www.amazon.fr/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Susan-Jeffers/dp/0449902927

I don't always feel the FAITH and yet I do it ANYWAY (my version)... thinking that everything I've learned up till now, I should be able to do without thinking ... and the faith that it will be great; even if I don't think at the time that I got what I wanted.

You see, my brain shuts off when I work... and I'm sloppy, passionate, intense and absorbed in my subject. I forget I'm supposed to look at lighting, hair, wardrobe and anything technical ... even the focus can slip past me at times, which makes me a high-risk photographer. Meaning, I can't give a guarantee, for my work is not a preordained formula and yet, I have faith that that is what is okay about my art.

That said, I've failed many times and its humiliating, period. In a while the impact of that feeling of failure subsides and I learn from it once again, while having faith that it is helping me to become greater.

Woozy with Cider

An artist is someone who views life as Art, and actively chooses to live it as such. Therefore, when an artist creates art, what you see is a self portrait of her soul, because one cannot create what one is not. 

Sometimes a person gets "lucky" and born with an innate ability to control a tool and share her soul in  a way that is considered great Art. Other times, and in my opinion more interesting, a person who feels a need for self expression, hones the tools necessary and then lives the life most true to how she wants to express it to the world.

That way, the artist is not doing anything but documenting her soul's story through a medium. The art therefore is a way of communicating, and thus the work is never a copy of something similarly done, but a story that the viewer is witnessing... this persons depth, wisdom, life experiences, thoughts, beliefs and intuition. Art is a soul's self portrait manifested in a way that speaks to our senses. Some works of art are less complex, less compelling than others and that can come from either lack of talent or technique, which is an inability to communicate effectively.

For me, the most important aspect of what an Artist is, is based on the choices she makes in her life. I do believe everyone has a natural born talent, and if nurtured whilst defying society norms, can  bloom into a great talent. There are different degrees of artistry though, and the difference has to do with the subconscious and intuition, both which are still such a mystery to us. The level of degree in which a person is evolved enough to be naturally in-tuned or at least, not afraid of intuition and subconscious, equals the depth of artistry one grasps.

Now to take this one step further, an Artist can only create what consists of who she is, what her soul consists of, whether she comprehends that or not. She may not know how this image or idea came to her mind or why she chose this or that, but she often will say, "I don't know, but I knew...  I just knew that was right. It felt right."

She can break it down technically, but that is neither here nor there, because a technically a "good" image is based on rules, and art is there to defy rules to create new rules to once again be broken. So great Art speaks to the soul, it is one soul communicating its depth and complexity to other souls in a language we cannot hear or understand, but intuitively and subconsciously feel, then decide if we like or dislike it.

The depth of her soul will equate to the depth of her art. 

What the challenge for the artist today is, is how do you speak to another soul when that other soul has been exposed to false imagery, manipulation and exploitation through years of media and other forms of visual communication based on Shock Value. The viewer's scope of what is "moving" is on what one feels at the moment of seeing, but one has already been exposed to so much mind manipulation in technology and marketing, the question is.... how can an artist, who is showing her truths compete with these corporate mind-games?

Now I get to my point. To me, what makes a great artist is someone who has a great story to tell. Not necessarily even a point of view or an issue to address. Just by living greatly, bravely and honestly -  everything the artist touches becomes more than just a painting or photograph etc...  it is the soul's portrait, and the viewer can feel it instinctively.

Congruently, the soul of the viewer is feeling something compelling, so the viewer keeps looking and deeply feels something, simply because the artist decided that she must live life fully and fearlessly and portray it. This is scary and exciting for the viewer and beats any marketing advertisement, because it speaks a level of truth that everyone yearns to experience. The freedom to live and feel deeply.

Art should transcend your reality, it should ask you to inquire within yourself why you are moved by that piece of work, because that feeling is what your body is craving.

Most likely the artist explored emotional journeys that took her to the great depths of hell and to the highest clouds of heaven, hence, the cliche of what it means to be a suffering artist.

The point I'm making is that the Artist was not afraid to GO THERE, for the sake of seeking knowledge and life experience. If she is courages enough to define her own rules of what success means, what "making it"means, then she is a walking human piece of art... and inspiring others to be the same. 

down by the highway side...

I'm at the point when Courage makes love to Integrity, but marries the ugly-third-cousin Anger, then suddenly seduces Sadness, all before telling the Fucked-Up-Step to just Stop, and I can't.... fear overcomes.

Round and round I go wondering why I survived the birth-defect I did. So many times I come up really angry, thinking if it wasn't for technology making a huge fucking scar across my abdomen and one on my neck and chest - I wouldn't be alive. What makes a little soul, premature, 2.5 lbs with all her intestines on the outside of her stomach, born in the waiting room, restrained down for months in the hospital, plethora of surgeries, not able to be held, fed through the heart and neck WANT to survive.

Did I really CHOOSE to live, or was it mans intervention?

.... we all have a choice, but sometime choice is taken away when it comes to life and death.

Takako is my real middle name for a reason.

So, like usual, I ask myself, "what role do I play on this earth, for ... obviously, I am 'here for a reason', like so many people tell me." Ugh, give me a break, both for the crap I'm vomiting and for the bullshit they're puking.

Alright then, maybe I'm not as brave I was when I started on this earth...

and I'm not going to waste my time with the problems in my head.

Instead, make a commitment to my short life here on earth to channel the Everything into my Art, come hell or high-waters, may the latter be warmer than the former.

Currently listening while writing:

Florence and the Machine, Addicted to Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odSGa4ug58U

I will learn how to walk on air or grow wings.

.... and so it begins

homeless, car-less and not-so-care-free in la la land Los Angeles. I continue to ask myself what it means to be an artist. What sacrifices do I make, what am I willing to make and what do I want to make. How do I continue to stay creative when I'm so hard on myself, how can I maintain my photography when I fucking HATE business (as much as a cliche artist as I'm being, at least I know it).... and honestly, I'm so scared and so alive... not joking.... I have No idea where I will be from one week to another. Some clients commit, some cancel at the witching hour, them not knowing that was my rent money. Okay, so what, I move forward, never strait and don't look down... ever.

".... and you already know, yeah you already know, yeah you already know how this will end."

Writing this at 2:20am on a porch I cannot call my own, in Marina Del Ray, Los Angeles, chain smoking in my PJ's listening to my ipod, randomly crying for reasons I cannot tell the world. Not sure if any of this matters on the blogging market, and really don't care. I ask myself, why did I start a blog, was it to market myself as a professional photographer (well yes) or journal as an artist trying to live as she believes (which is how it ended up being) ... I have to admit, the latter is more precedent, something about being watched/listened to as I make mistakes, create adventures, love/laugh/cry and move forward is somehow more worth my time than making a dime... or simply vain and needing validation of my existence... shit, both are human and worth the time in the 21st century. I choose to pretend we all are "public" in some ridicules way; choose your vice as have I.

So LA... yes yes yes... I don't know where my head will lay in a week and I get the honor of building portrait clients in the sunny state of Callie. Life is brilliant when I have faith: I will learn how to walk on air or grow wings.

Just don't compromise as an Artist. Its okay if that means your poor, for poor is a relative term; this does not mean your a cliche. Everyone else will compromise, as you remain original, then one day soon, you'll be changing history for your originality... and so the story goes.

Tomorrow I awake at a bird's- crack-of-dawn 7am. Run, pack and jump into the Ken Stringfellos

Woozy with Cider - Selling Lemons

Just don't compromise as an Artist. Its okay if that means you and I are poor, for poor is a relative term; this does not mean you and I are a cliche. Everyone else may compromise, and you and I will remain original. One day soon, we will change history for our originality - and so the story goes - so I believe.

"and we'll never take anything too seriously." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6XSzMKy4cM

Tomorrow I awake at a bird's-crack-of-dawn 7am, in a 5-year-old's bed that I have to lay diagonal to stretch out in. I'll have a run, pack my camera bag and jump into a magic vehicle heading into the wild-blue-rainy-yonder of 2010 Sasquash Festival http://www.sasquatchfestival.com/. This opportunity came at 10pm Friday night as I shared beautiful wine at Volterra http://www.volterrarestaurant.com/with Ken, Brian and friends http://www.facebook.com/KenStringfellow?ref=search&sid=8lk_5y9qYgbvwSlAUa0pPQ.231058148..1. My plate contained Oxtail and asparagus, beautifully cooked. I tasted Veal from another plate and shared laughs with everyone.

Another note, early today at Queen City Grill (www.queencitygrill.com), I met with my dear friend David Remer of Remer Inc (http://www.remerinc.com/). I can't underestimate the value of a friendship that is a difference in age and wisdom. We were study buddies at the University of Washington in Art History. Oh the challenge and arguments we ignited within each other - with vigor and passion - each showing how much we knew, and well, really didn't know about facts, therefor created bullshit. Remer, much better at the latter than I, got the A. How thankful I am for his laughter, sense of humor, intelligence, enthusiasm for life and my constant challenger in Art.

So I end here.